Divorced Barbie at $249.99.

One day a guy was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought anything for her. So, he pulls into the parking lot of the next shopping mall he passes, finds a toy store and asks for "A Barbie Doll for my daughter."

The shop assistant looks at him in a slightly condescending manner and asks, "All right Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99?"

"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's furniture and Ken's car

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A woman pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.

"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out."

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

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He sat up all night watching me...

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. 

"You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost.

But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. 

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." 

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. 

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. 

"Never better", said the soldier. 

The manager was impressed. 

"No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" 

"No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.

"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. 

“Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

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I don't think so mate...

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves. 

The husband says, '' No chance love, they're way too expensive.''

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower on to her thigh.

She turns to him and says, ''I don't think so mate. If you're not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell ain't riding it!''

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Not the breathalyzer again...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. 

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, 

'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. 

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. 

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 

'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?' 

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. 

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over. 

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. 

He's stark naked and has an erection. 

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says, 

'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'

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Ma'am, you were speeding...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle

please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

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Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate...

Jim, Dave and Eric died and arrived at the gate, St Paul explains to them:

'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'.

Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf 1.4.

Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Camry 2.4 VVTi.

Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW 745i.

Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric!

A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...

Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'

Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'

Jim asks: 'So why are you crying?'

Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!..

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I like the way you're thinking...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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A man escapes from prison...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Mom, may I take the dog for a walk?

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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A woman is in bed with her lover...

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings.

Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy

to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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A blonde out of money..

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

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Keep Believing in Yourself!

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren’t the way you had hoped they would be.

That’s when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself.

There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself!

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The lady next door, and she tried with both hands..

A 65-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. 

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the dude reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. 

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the darn jar open!"

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I want a divorce....

A couple were driving at 70mph down the road, husband behind the wheel.

The wife suddenly says "Honey, I know we've been married twenty years but I want a divorce."

He says nothing but increases the speed to 80mph.

She says "Now don't try to talk me out of it, I've been screwing your best friend for sometime now and he IS better at sex than you."

He stays quiet, but speeds up to 90mph.

She says "I want the house and the car."

(He is now doing 100mph.)

"I want the bank accounts and the credit cards too." she says

The husband starts to veer towards the side of the road and a large grove of trees.

The wife gets nervous and asks "Isn't there ANYTHING you want?"

"No, I've got all I need." He said

"Oh really, so what exactly do you have?"

Just before they hit the tree at 120mph he smiles and says: "The freaking air-bag!"

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What in the world do I do all day?

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. 

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. 

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. 

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... 

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' 

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.' ♥

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A hundred dollars per visit...

David went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the Doc. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said David.

Six months later the doctor met David on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?" asked the Doc

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" David replied.

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I used to like that little boy...

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called David, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

David clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

David grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.

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Drunk stranger asking for a push....

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It's 3 in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

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Why are you hiding father?

A man enters a church n finds the priest. "How may I help you son?" asks the priest. 

"Am looking for my wife, she said she would be here but as I can see she's not around. Now that am here, I would like to confess". They go to the confession area, "forgive me father for I have sinned." 

"What are your sins my son?" The man replies, "The other day, I went looking for my wife at her home but she was not there. I found her sister alone, I slept with the sister." 

Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess". 

"Then another day I went looking for her at her aunt's place but she was not there, I found her cousin alone, I slept with the cousin". 

"You know that is wrong my son". 

"Then the other day I went looking for her at her working place. She was not there, I found her colleague alone,.." 

The priest interrupts, "Let me guess, you slept with her colleague?" 

"Yes father". There was silence after that. Father?" Father?" Still silent. 

The man peeps through and finds out that the priest is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him hiding. "Why are you hiding father?" 

The priest replies, "I've just realized I'm the only one here and you came looking for your wife"...

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